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[06 Dec 2009|02:58pm]
my life is exactly how I always imagined it would be, and by this I mean that I'm ruining everything.

[26 Jul 2009|06:53am]
it was beer'o'clock an hour and a half ago. it's chilly and I'm alone, with stevie wonder. and the cats. can't forget the cats. my hands keep shittin' out on me. I walked into the corner store and got some shit (substances) and realized, it's sunday morning. newspaper. crossword!

I've been doing an insane amount of crossword puzzles to remind myself that I'm intelligent. I'm constantly questioning my self worth. four different dudes in two days have come up to me trying to spit game "daaaaaaaaaaaamn baby! you are TOO FINE to be workin' the kitchen! why ain't you a waitress?". thanks for the cigarettes. you can't have my number. bye. last night/this morning? everyone was singing songs about wanting to titty fuck me. nice. great guys. I just looooove this new rap song. thanks for playing it for me.

I keep staring at these salt and vinegar potato chips, wondering if they're a good idea. this beer is a great idea. craaaaack it on open! old boyfriend keeps referring to new boyfriend as "chubby dude". nice. nice. nice. thanks for making it clear that yr new girlfriend doesn't know yr an alcoholic. when I finally get to meet her, when yr not wrestling me to the ground and stealing shit out of my hands, I'm going to let her know you owe me money for fancy ass 6-packs and cigarettes. I'm sure she'll just eat that up!

I need to sell my possessions for cash. I'm broke. and hungry. blasting metal sounds like the only cure...especially at 7am. maybe some noise- no! that b-52's record. fuck it. I'm too tired to move.

I keep reliving these moments when I always had a handle of whiskey and dank. maybe some psychedelics. I would dance around like nothing mattered, but it didn't. it still doesn't. what changed?

[20 Jul 2009|04:56am]
no job. lots of shouting. california. nyc. home. busted car. busted life. lots of shouting. finally job. kitchen staff: two ladies, all dudes. lots of shouting. king cobra. bugler. lots of shouting. friends leaving. future drunkeness.


[28 Apr 2009|02:39pm]
shit. fuck. shitfuckshit.

I broke the hot tub? walking into my haus drunk/high in the MIDDLE OF THE STREET and erik comes out to tell me that there is a lighter lodged in the pump of his hot tub...I wonder how expensive this is and if I get to stay...>;_:<

I done fucked up good.

then I had a dream that there was a giant snake on nate's porch. he provoked it and it came at me and started biting the shit out of my torso and I could feel the poison spreading through my body. I woke up and it's a good thing someone!!!! was there to comfort me. still, I'm fucked.

"nobody ever tells you your mid 20’s are basically puberty + age - any excuse to explain your behavior"

note to self [20 Apr 2009|08:59pm]
high heels
crypt keeper
banana slug
fruits 'n' veggies
pinwheel 'n' bubbles
whiskey tribute

[13 Apr 2009|08:37pm]
I'm bursting! forth from the seams.
I have all of this time all of this time and I need to do something with it. sure, I can hang out and listen to spine tingling sound waves, sure I can stare at flickering images, sure I can glance at witty words, sure sure sure!

there's this curious urge to watch something grow, to build something! to watch it take shape before my very own eyes. maybe I'm just high, but I know it's real!

I want to write letters and laugh and make silly faces. BIKES!!! I want my hair to grow out. to sit in the grass or walk along the tracks. to sing ridiculous songs and save pebbles. to hang out in caves! why not?

I want to go places I've never been before. I want to see the gritty, grimy places of the here and now! I want ALL SYSTEMS GO. if I'm not living, then what am I doing?

dance, dance faster
madly dance away
but remember underneath you
is just a sea of air
just remember underneath you
is just a sea of air


[08 Apr 2009|12:20am]

I walk out the front door and around to the side of the garage. The two cigarettes are torn so that some of their guts spill. I toss the halves into the bushes. I withdraw the pack, crush it with my foot, and push it towards its bleeding passengers. Such a different life if I had lived in her house! The house is painted with thick white paint. The siding is soiled. To my right are three full trash cans. A soggy, unraveling rug drapes over the middle can. The garbage smells like sweetened armpits. I walk along the dirt path to get to the front porch. There is a chain prostrated on the cement; a fire poker leans against a pilaster. On the railing is the pot full of cigarette butts. I remember that three days ago, the pot was empty.

not mine.

erhm.//// [07 Apr 2009|01:29am]
I eat cayenne pepper like it's my job. I keep sneezing and I feeeeeel reallllly laaaaaarge. it was a great sandwich; avocado, red pepper, sweet pepper, tomato, cucumber, romaine, havarti dill, hot mustard TOASTED. whoa.

I'm supersupersuper paranoid. this boy keeps banging on my door at all hours of the night, calling me while standing at my door. you can see through the blinds by the front windows and it's creepy. I don't want to walk around. I keep still. I quit playing my music. he keeps showing up places where I'm at looking for me. holy shit, dude. you can't keep yr cool? yr not my bff and you won't ever be my bf. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK.srsly. plus, he smells. bad bad bad.

I got drunk in the park and played on the swings. I was eatin' giant pickles! there were people and dogs and monkey bars and HOLY SHIT I HAVE NO UPPER BODY STRENGTH.

ramble ramble ramble
grumble grumble grumble
skeet skeet skeet

uhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm [07 Mar 2009|10:49pm]
so, I have this curious tendency to get [blackout] drunk and fuck everything up. I've got bruises on my arms, ribs, and legs. my knees are scabbed. sweet? sometimes.

phone call:

nd: are you drunk?
nico: no.
nd: are you sure?
nico: ....yep.
nd: so you called me at bar close.
nico: oh yeah...
nd: so we haven't been hanging out. and it's nice. let's keep it at that.
nico: ...

and then I remembered that motherfucker still owes me 80 bones. shit.

high fives from metal dudes for being small and metal in the pit. my dick is bigger than anyone's in the room. my shirt is ripped the fuck up and I think it's covered in pizza sauce. really? I ate pizza?!

+hot dude
-hot dude being bffe's exdude
-hot dude being exbf's bffe
-that one dude
+new underpants
-/+hanging out at home on a saturday night
+untouched crossword
+tomorrow SUNDAY morning crossword at work
-cleaning the cat box
+jelly beans


[26 Dec 2008|02:03pm]
that chinese food from yesterday is really doing a number on me.

[06 Nov 2008|04:53pm]
I thought that having time to do anything meant I would do something. I was wrong.

no one can save me from myself. I'm lonely. you'd think I'd be used to it. I thought I'd be used to it. wrong, wrong wrong.

when I said I was going to go home and contemplate crying, I wasn't lying. my favorite persons wall is covered in people I don't ever see. it's kind of hard. so I sit with my cigarettes and my drink and it's not all right, alright. and then I think about doing something good for myself and don't. I won't.

I've been living with someone who's had scabies for 15 months. every time I think of the word, I start to itch. in bed, I itch. wearing pants, I itch. at work, I itch. in the car, itch itch itch. you'd think I got it but I don't. it's funny, okay. hahhaha. none of it seems real. if this is life, I'm obviously doing something wrong. or there's something wrong with me. I think it's a bit of both.

I open my mailbox, and there's nothing. I open my door, and there's nothing. I open my mind, and there's nothing. I open my heart, _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.

[19 Sep 2008|03:35pm]
I got the 'lectrics but I ain't got the power! HAHAHA

CENTRAL OHIO JUST SUFFERED A MAJOR BLACKOUT OMFGZZZZ motherfuckers were crying that they didn't have AC and I almost smacked a bitch. also: I lost my voice from screaming so many times "WHY AREN'T THESE PEOPLE AT HOME FUCKING?!"

I've been dancing on tables and havin' all day drunks and conversations at bernies. what the hell? I've been divin' in dumpsters and havin' bicycle accidents [izzy's pissed with me, so she let her tire go flat >_<]

ummmmmm I keep dressing like a pin-up and I guess I told someone that my closet is based on what a trannie would wear and I don't remember much of it. at some point last eve I realized I was sick and then I realized it was the first day in an 8 day stretch that I hadn't had any hard liquor. then I contemplated a bottle of bourbon and decided on ginger ale and a movie instead. kicking and screaming? hmm. I can't figure it out but maybe that's perfect because it's the point I'm at in my life/head.

I got some boys/I got some menz/I lost my old man so I can be free but I can't seem to stop laughing while crying and someone told me I was TOO WILD. too wild to love/laugh/cook/clean/function? ALL LIES. I've been feeling something changing and I'm not quite sure what it is but all I can say is THIS ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT IS MAKING ME NUTS.

[12 Aug 2008|10:40pm]
post school drunk parties NEVER ENDIN'

oh me oh my I keep making sweet friends but keep retreating into myself. I guess that's what happens when you forget what you're up to. lately, I chain smoke go to work smoke sleep smoke drink drink while smoking laugh smoke swing on porch swings smoke roof sit smoke smoke smoke drink more smoke. really? I don't know what else to do with my hands. shit.

someone told me that I live like there's no tomorrow and that I'm the right amount of insane. I don't know what this means, but tomorrow I have drunk plans and pool plans and library plans. sounds good to me!

[11 Jun 2008|07:56pm]
hi guys! I graduated! while wearing lime green docs! YAY!!!!

p.s. I passed my history class with a D! I should be ashamed, but fuck it. that class was poorly structured.

[02 Jun 2008|01:24am]
it's been raining shit and I'm left without an umbrella.

-drunk dude broman's at work


uhhhhhhhhh I hate everything including my dreams.

[21 May 2008|05:30pm]
I'm graduating if I can pull 2 c's and 2 d's in my classes. I think I'll make it.

also: writing a paper on assata shakur for a class where my prof is severely annoyed with my attendance pattern. who can really get up twice a week by 9 am to talk at 4 other people who attend purely to maintain their participation grade?

my diplomas are already worthless. university did nothing to enhance my intellectual capacity. I just had to read a lot of irrelevant shit.

[14 Jan 2008|05:49pm]
my plans were canceled. they weren't big plans; lecherous advances aren't conversation. so I'm up to nothing.

she doesn't want to wake up. she doesn't want to leave her dreams. sometimes I sit along the wall and think to myself, this isn't such a bad view. now they're putting up more shit and blocking my view. when it's complete, I wonder if I'll ever think, hey. this isn't such a bad view either.

it's funny how things work. I write letters constantly that I'll never send, even though I have every intention to do so. today I fell asleep while sitting and writing. how does that happen? I'm tired of everything. people are always doubting my intelligence. it's degrading.

at least I'm not a fanatic?

CONSPIRACY LIST MAKING [07 Jan 2008|08:24pm]

+shaved head
-$290 for books
+300 in tips
+best friend and space alien!
+cheese ravioli w/TOMATO sauce
-week long inebriation

obviously, I can't express myself except through inane lists.

[03 Dec 2007|04:51am]
it seems to me that I only post when I'm back to my old habits; late night papers and distractions make me write better.


nothing is coherent.

it's okay. you're all ready dead.

I'm really done with all of this. 7 hours and only 25$ and bitchy people telling me that it's okay, you'll be all right. but I'm not. and nothing is. friday night at the bar some 42yr old skinhead named kurt buying me drinks and talking about why he voted for bush. treason man, no one knows about treason. the lesser of two evils.

my hands are constantly cold from writing and I keep losing feeling in my right hand. a pinched nerve/carpal tunnel; I don't give a shit. I lost my gloves and there's no feeling. what about damage? it doesn't matter anyways. it's all fucked. I'm fucked. this is it, that's it, that's that.

I'm always exploding.

[27 Nov 2007|06:02am]
each time I turn to look out my window, I'm convinced that it snowed and then I realize that it's just my coffee cup sitting in the windowsill.

I can't quit listening to the same songs on repeat. I haven't been sleeping or I've been over sleeping, but the general feeling is that I'm exhausted. 8 more days and then I'm free, or so I think. until january. all of these appointments, all of this living I've been putting aside. whenever I think to myself, "I should be doing my homework," I'm really thinking "I should be taking notes on life." I'm planning on getting shitty, in a shitty city, with shitty people. at least it's my shitty city?

a girl in my class that I've seen around walked up to me today and told me I should come over to her house. I think I should. I'm tired of the same old people, the same old conversations. I need more friends. or no friends. I'm not quite sure. it all works out the same way. the people I want to see are consumed with themselves. at least I am and I'm no one.

paper paper paper paper lines paper omg word vomit all over the page
bloody red eyes go to nausea
I'd be better if I didn't have to do this tomorrow. what's sleep anyways?

I've got all of these remnants of dreams, but when I wake up and realize that it wasn't a dream it saddens me any more. I'm tired of sitting in bed. I'm tired of bullshitting and I'm a bullshitter. ain't nothing more than a sad sack of shit. I bet my lungs are black.

I think I need to do something drastic with myself. to myself? something huge and disgusting.
p.s. I hate christmas


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